She begins the book in her usual savvy way – “There’s no such thing as a ‘perfect marriage’ or a ‘perfect spouse.’… Come on, get real… Marriage is…a malleable idea. Marriage is what you make of it. Marriage is maddening, as anybody who has experienced it will tell you. There is no formula for a happy marriage. And nobody has all the answers.”

In Spouse, De re-introduces us to the values that we have forgotten in our ‘oh so busy’ lives led like a roller coaster ride. But interestingly they come across as very smart values that we have unwittingly forgone. “It’s about trust, companionship, affection and sharing. It’s also about learning to cope with your partner’s moods and eccentricities. Not to mention the delicate balancing act between parents, children, friends and a career, and the sometimes overpowering need to get away from it all.”

The author feels that “we need to be reminded about these lost values and traditions since there is no real time left for introspection”. For “the dynamics of modern marriage may have changed, but the fundamentals remain the same”.

Ironical as it appears, through her relationship guide, De tries to reaffirm this value system to a new India - about which she has chronicled before in her works of fiction. “New India is terribly confused about what to expect from marriage – Security? Romantic love? Passion? Communication? Commitment? All of this?” De surely understands the perplexed minds of her modern readers.

For this reason precisely, we, as susceptible readers, can sense an underlying tenderness and deep-rooted empathy for none other than ourselves – who choose to be ‘divorced’ from the simple pleasures and joys of life – something which marriage gives.

De reaffirms, “Tenderness is sadly missing in all our lives. We are so out of touch with the small gestures that add to the richness of day-to-day life. In making ‘grand’ statements, we lose out on essentials – sometimes, just a loving touch or a smile is enough”.

Shobhaa De’s delightful style coupled with a startling sense of fun makes the book a metaphor of this “crazy institution” called marriage itself. Spouse “travels freely and fearlessly over different terrains, some of them smooth, some not”. Through personal references, real-life anecdotes as well as others’ views on marriage, she has shown the readers “why we need it, why we hate it, why we love it, and why the world has yet to come up with a better alternative”.

The author believes that even if marriage as an institution is threatened today, it will withstand (as it always has) the vicissitudes of time & more importantly of the modern human psyche. “I think marriage is being redefined. It’s an interesting phase… Modern society will come full circle, eventually, since all other ‘variations’ have failed (same sex marriages, open marriage, multiple partner marriages etc.). What we are witnessing today is a transition. Those who have genuinely ‘invested’ in marriage will make sure it survives.”

Spouse also reveals that in this world of relative values, marriage may have something ‘absolute’ about it despite its multi-hued manifestations in the lives of different individuals. “Marriage is the single most challenging relationship in the world. It works, provided you commit to it in the first place. But there are marriages that cannot (and should not) be redeemed. No human being should tolerate or condone abuse – physical or emotional. In such cases, it’s better to split and move on.”

De’s pragmatic advice, “reinventing tradition, challenging old stereotypes” in the book will make us rethink our equations with the better halves of our lives.

An intriguing author, Shobhaa De’s book on how marriages work and why they fail is a sensible humanistic endeavour. Speaking of the various “isms” in today’s world, this is what she came up with – “The one I personally detest is “truism”. The one that I respect is “Humanism”. The one I suspect is “Feminism”. One can’t live with scripted ideologies – at least, I refuse to”. Spouse reiterates that marriage can and does give hope of a possible happiness in the lives of two vulnerable imperfect human beings married to each other and make this “adventure…last a lifetime”.

Reviewed by Satarupa Ray
Designed by Subhadip Mukherjee